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THE CENTURY PLANT: 



OR, 



CHICAGO IN 1970. 



AS ORIGINALLY PERFORMED 



J^T THE r>K A.K,I3 ORjST THKAXRTC, 



BY GEORGE P. UPTON. 






CHICAGO: 

KAXD, McNALLY & COMPANY, PRINTERS, 51 AND 53 CLARK STREET. 

1871. 



DEAMATIS PERSONS. 



FS3II3 

Mr WILLIAM BOBBIN • LL*7 B ^^T" 

The Century Piaut, 

Mrs. WILLIAM BOBBIN, 

The Injured Woman 

Mrs. judge TORT, 

The Learned Court. 

Miss ARAMINTA^ TORT, 

The Rejected Woman. 

Miss CHANCELLOR ERSKINE, 

The Counsel in the Case. 

M;ss HiatlFLYER, 

Clerk of the Court. 

Miss SAPPHO, 

The Troubadour. 

Mrs. POLICEWOMAN 25. 
THE IMP. 



Miss CUTASWELL, 1 

Miss STUNNER, 

Miss FLYAWAY, 

Miss CRCESUS, J 



j^ Michigan Avenue Belles. 



Jury, Neighbors, Spectators, cr.c, by the Company. 



Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1871, by Geo. P. Upton, 
in the Office of the Librarian of Congress, at Washington. 



PROLOGUE. 

ScEN'E. An interior in Mr. Bobbin's house. Very ordinarily furnished. Door 
and window at rear — window with old iiat stuffed througli broken pane. Clock 
on svall between door and window, willi hands at half-past twelve — midnight — 
Family portraits of Mr. and Mrs. Bobbin, hanging:. Table at right, covered with 
sewing — cradle and baby near table — candle burning on table. Bed at left. 

Mrs. BoBBiisr [discovered seated at the table seioing, toith her foot 
on the rocker of the cradle, poorly dressed, in the costume of the 
daxj.) 

[Looking at the clock.) "Half-past twelve ! and Mr. Bobbin not 
yet returned. Just a year ago we were married, and William 
promised to love and cherish and obey me. And this is what he 
calls loving and cherishing and obeying ! Out every night until 
two and three o'clock in the morning; night before last became 
home drunk, and said he had been to the lodge, loork'mg on some- 
thing, and he had worked so long it made him dizzy. Last night 
he came home without a cent in his pocket, and said he had been 
to the lodge, and that they had a terrible time with a tiger there. 
Working on Natural History, I suppose." [Takes xip Bohhhi's 
pantaloons to mend a rent in the seat. Pats her hand in the 
pockets and takes out., one after the other, a cork-screw., a dice-box 
and dice, short clay pipe, an empty pocket-book and a letter. She 
opens and reads, to it 'i a start.) '• Whit is this ? a letter?" 

Dear William — Will meet you at same place this evening — 8: 30, sharp. Don't 
fail me. MAUDE. 

[3Irs. Bobbin, rising, drops the articles one after the other, and 
lastly, the pantaloons. Paces the floor, loith her hands on her brow, 
striking theatrical attitudes. Goes to the xcindoxo and looks out. 
Resumes^ a la Lear :) 

"Away, vain tears! Cease, throbbing heart. Tremble, thou 
wretch ! Thou hast within thee iindivulged crimes, unwhipped 
of justice. Thou perjured, and thou simular man of virtue, 
thou art incestuous. I am a woman more sinned against than 
sinning." [A fumbling noise at the door.) 

Mrs. BoBBix. "Ha! he comes." 

[Enter Mr. Bobbin, very drunk, hat partly over his eyes., neck 
handkerchief flying, pantaloons tucked in his boots, and very 
seedy. Examining his night key as if there were two keys.) 



Mr. Bobbin. " 'Suthing in the k-k-keyhole, my love, (hie) 
'suthing in the k-k-keyhole." 

Mrs. Bobbin, (severely) " Where have you been, sir ? " 

Mr. Bobbin, (sbig'mg) "I've been roaming — (hie) been to the 
lodge, my d-dear. Great deal of bus-bus-business to-night — (hie) 
had a 1-1-love-feast." 

Mrs. Bobbin, (aside) " Oh the wretch ! " [to him, holding up 
the letter) " What do you mean, sir, by such conduct as this ?" 

Mr. Bobbin. " Another little bill, Mrs. Bobbin ?" 

Mrs. Bobbin. "No! not another little bill {pointing to the 
cradle) there is the little Bill. But you don't care for that little 
Bill. You don't care for me — you care for Maude, Mr. Bobbin." 

Mr. Bobbin, {staggering towat'ds her) "You're drunk, Mrs. 
Bobbin. You're 7naud-\\n drunk, (hie) I leave you to your own 
meditations, Mrs. Bobbin. 1 will seek my couch. {Seeking for 
it in a drunken way.) When you get sober, I will talk with you." 
{Throios himself on the bed with his boots on the pillow and hat 
over his eyes, and commences snoring. 3frs. JBobbin rests her head 
in her hands upon the table. Imp suddenly springs up through 
trap* '10 ith flash of fire in the toings — dressed in red, toith mask, 
horns and tail, a la fiend, with label on his back — " Prevention of 
Cruelty to Animals^'' fork in hand, touches Mrs. Bobbin on the 
shoulder. 3Irs. B. starts up and is about to speak. Imp p>laces 
his fingers upon his lips.) 

Imp. " Sh ! I am the president of the Society for the Prevention 
of Cruelty to Animals. I have long known your sufferings and am 
come to relieve you." 

Mr. Bobbin. {Stirring uneasily in his sleep and murmuring, 
** Hark ! I hear an angel sing ! " 

Mrs. Bobbin. "There is no hope. That man is a bad Q^^. He 
has promised me time and again to do better, but he only grows 
worse and worse." 

Imp. " Leave him to me. He shall dream a dream of a hundred 
years, in which he shall see some sights which will cure him of his 
ways, I assure you." 

{Imp approaches the bed and dances a Jig {with orchestra) al- 
most noiselessly, thrusting his fork now and then towards the sleeper. 
At each thrust of the fork, Bobbin assumes a new position., and 
at the close of the dance has his head on the pilloio.) 

Imp. {Taking his positioji on the trap.) "He is now right end 

* Chord from orchestra. 



up, my good woman, and before the hundred years are over he 
will be right end upper than lie is now. The dream commences." 
( Gathering his tail up in his hands, descends. Flash of fire.*) 
Mrs. Bobbiv. {Springing forward to the trap and looking for 
the spot.) "The Devil!" 

SCENE I. 

View of Clavk street in perspectire — lamp post at right upper entrance — ■ 
stores and liouses eight and ten stories high — sidewallcs full of women — balloons 
carrying passengers — no men visible — teams of merchandise driven by women — 
military company of women shouldering brooms — steam fire engine driven by 
women— buildings covered with signs; the following plainly visible to the 
audience: 

Mary Jones & Co., Commission Merchants; Susan Jenkins, Attorney-at-law; 
Fanny Furbelow, M D.; Laura Brown, U.S. Commissioner; John Staidey, Milliner; 
Samuel Slubbs, Dressmaking; Wm. Brown, Washing taken in; Henry Hobbs, 
Pinking and Crimping; Abraham Doolittle, Machine Sewing; James Giles, "Wet 
Nurse, the last sign nearest the lamp post. 

Mr. Bobbix, {enters drunk., and leans against the lamjj-post — 
laughs a drunken langh.) 

" Been to the lodge again ! Mrs. Bobbin don't like the lodge. 
{laughs.) Mrs. Bobbin don't like me either. Wonder where I am, 
any way. Wonder if Mrs. Bobbin is sitting up for me. {Sreaks 
out in a maudlin loay, ' Oh ! we wont go home till morning,' (hie) 
— looks up at the gas light — 'How are you, old f-f-feller?' tries to 
shake hands loith it. His eye suddenly catches sight of the sign, 
James Giles, Wet Nurse. He walks away from the 2Jost, straight- 
ens himself and toalks up to the sig7i and reads it over aloud once 
or txoice, and then laughs.) How are you, Jim? Jim, I never 
thought you would come to that. B'leeve I'll set up for dry nurse 
— I'm always dry." ( Commences to sing again), " Oh ! we're the 
jolly good fellows." 

{Enter Policewoman 25, dressed as a girl of the j^^riod, icith 
jaunty hat, cigar in mouth — star — -club in her hand — rather swag- 
gering in style.) 

Policewoman. " Hillo, old man, what are you doing here this 
time of night.? Let me see your pass." 

Bobbin. " Wha-a-a-t ! " 

Policewoman. "Let me see your pass." 

Bobbin. "Oh, go 'way — quit your fooling. Angeliferous creature, 
come to my arms." {Attempts to embrace her.) 

* Chord from orchestra. 



PoLiCEAVOMAN. " Stand back," {tap2)in(j him on the head vnth 
her club.) 

Bobbin, '• That's the most striking proof of aftection I ever felt 
before." 

Policewoman, " I can't wait here. Let me see your pass, or 
come along with me." 

{Dobbin fumbles in his pockets and takes out a 2yi&CG of paper — 
and hands it to her. She reads :) 

Dear William — Meet me at the old place — jou know where. 

July 1, 1870. ' MAUD. 

Pol. " That won't do — that isn't a pass — besides, that piece of 
paper is a hundred years old." 

Bobbin. " Oh, get out, I got it this morning." 
Pol. " No levity, sir, that paper is a hundred years old." 
Bobbin. " Then I must be a hundred years old {feels of him- 
self a la Jfiferson.) Ach ! meine knees, raeine ellibows. I say, old 
gal, do you know mein leedle dog Shnyder ? " 

Pol. " Oh, let your leedle dog Shnyder rip. If you haven't got 
a pass you will have to go along with me." 
Bobbin. " As we go bobbin 'round." {Smig.) 
Pol. ( Taking out a paper., reads by gaslght :) 

Extract from the Municipal Laivs : 

" Sec. 180. All men found on the public streets after dark without a pass from 
their mistresses, will be arrested and brought before the police magistrate for trial, 
upon ihe charge of being a public nuisance. 

(Signed) 

NANCY SMITH, Mayor. 
Chicago, Jan. 1, 1970." 

Bobbin. " Bully for Nancy. I say, old gal, a few weeks agoj 
I mean a hundred years ago, they had a war over the other side, 
and William took Nancy, but Nancy 's got William this time." 

Pol. " Got any money about you. Hand over your pocket- 
book. {Ilandi ont an empty pocket-book. 8he examines it.) Not 
a stamji — just my luck — haven't taken a man to-night who had a 
cent on him. Come on, old fellow, you've got to go along." {Takes 
him by the collar, and jerks him along.) 

Bobbin. " She's got the most taking way of any woman I ever 
saw. Wonder what she's going to do with me, anyhow." {Exeunt^ 
loith a jerk.'''') 



SCENE II.— A Court Room. 

Figure of Justice over Court's desk — a woman with scales in one hand — 
bandage torn from her head in the other — Judge in blacli wrapper and blonde wig 
with long curls — Clerk stylishly attired — Counsel, a la Susan B. Anthony — Jury 
dressed in extreme of fashion, all with fiins. 



SPECTATORS. 



SFEOTATOBS 



5 COURT. jj. 

^■.>e:xjx:.x:Y, 
Y. CLERK. X 



X COUNrrEL. X 
J4:x:a<r>ca<::x3c:^ 



V 

X 
M 

y 

X 
V; 



.A 
A 
X 
,X 
K 

!i 
.X 

X 



PRISONER. \1 

i. 



{Enter j^oliceicoman 25, leading Bobbin and placing him in the 
box.) 

Bobbin. {Beckoning to Policewoman,) " Is this a sewing circle, 
old gal?" 

Pol. " Silence in the Court." 

Bobbin. " Wonder what Mrs. Bobbin would say to her Wil- 
liam, now." 

Court. " What is this wretched man charged with?" 

Pol. *' With being a general nuisance, your Honor." 

Court. " Policewoman, you may be sworn." 

Clerk. " You do solemnly swear to tell the truth, the whole 
truth, and as much more as you can. So help you, Mrs. Cady 
Stanton." 

Court. " You will make your testimony as strong as possible 
against this miserable man, Mrs. Policewoman." 

Pol. "I was walking down Clark street, your Honor, about 
nine o'clock last evening, when I saw this man leaning as^ainst a 



lamp-post, Avith a pistol in eacli hand. A few minutes before this, 
there had been a row in Mrs. Col. Smith's saloon, in which Miss 
Stubbs, a notorious loafer, was ^hot. I accused him of the murder, 
and he acknowledged it at once. I also found in his pockets a 
package of silver spoons and a large quantity of jewelry which he 
acknowledged to have stolen from the residence of Rev. Mrs. Wobble ; 
I also found upon him a forged pass, about which he told several 
contradictory stories; also, an appointment to meet a woman. In 
addition to all this he was very drunk." 

Court. " Wretched man ! what have you to say to this? " 

Bobbin. " Nothing, ma'am, I am too full for utterance. (Aside.) 
How that policewoman can lie. {To the Court.) Can't I have a 
lawyer, ma'am? " 

Court. "Silence! Don't you know, sir, that men can't have 
lawyers in our court; women only can have justice here. The 
counsel for the people may read the statute to this ignorant and 
besotted scoundrel." 

(Counsel. {Taking book from pile on table.) "Your Honor 
and ladies of the jury, I do myself the pleasure of reading from 
the Revised Statutes, Art. IV., Sec. 2 : 

"In view of the fact that since the creation of the world, men 
have had all the justice, it is-hereby stipulated that a man is un- 
worthy the privileges of an American citizen. (Liverniore's Digest, 
vol. ii, p. 382.) In all cases, therefore, both of common and un- 
common law, no man will be allowed to be represented by counsel 
or to ofter testimony. It is also expressly stipulated, that nothing 
hereinafter or hereinbefore contained shall conflict with this pro- 
vision, and that the mere fact of a change of mind upon tlie part of 
our lawgivers shall not impair its ibrce which the same we are free 
to maintain." 

Bradv^ell, 6, 4, in the case of Nye v. The Heathen Chinee. 

" May it please your Honor, I have two other decisions delivered 
by eminent Chief Justices of the weaker sex, of the last century, 
which I will read with the permission of the honorable court. 

" Jintilmen uv the Court, this is the hiviest case that iver coom 

oop the shthairs. Will the clerk sind down for a sup ot whisky 

and charge it to the prisoner ? " 

O'Malley, Illinois Reports. 

" Again, quod demonstrandum est : 

" When the jibboom of one vissil runs forninst the jil)boom of 
another vissil, by the provishuns of the lix talionis, both jibbooras 



9 

shall be arristid for contimpt of coort, and sold to the highest 
bidder." Prendergast, Supreme Justice. 

" Lueus a non lucendo — a mere hint whieh throws light upon the 
enormity of yonder unprincipled libertine." 

Court. " The lucid remarks of the learned chancellor have satis- 
fied me that this matchless villain before me is a Jiar, a forger,* a 
seducer, a burglar, and a murderer." (At this 2)oint, a messenger 
suddenly eniers loith a note tohich he hands to the Court. The 
Court reads, fanning herself vigorously, and then rises :) 

Court. "It will be impossible to proceed further with this case 
to-day. I have received a note from Mrs. Dr. Stebbins stating that 
Mr. Tort has just presented another addition to the family of this 
Court, which, I regret to say, it is a male boy." 

Counsel. (Rising.) " May I inquire of this Honorable Court 
if the mother and child are doing well?" 

Court. JVith dignity. " How dare they do otherwise?" 

Bobbin. '' Let me kiss him for his mother." [Ha^y on head fr^i 
policetiwman.) " I want to go home." 

Court. '• The Clerk will take bail for this infatuated prisoner to 
appear at a futui-e date and receive his sentence." [Exit.) 

Clerk. "Is there any lady present who will go bail for this 
diabolical rascal?" 

Miss Tort. ( Who, all along has regarded Bobbin very lov- 
ingly, rises vnth her sewing in her hand^ drops it on the floor, and 
says,) "I vvill.'' /Signs the bond, then turns to JBobbin xoith a pas- 
sionate appeal :) "Adorable man, wilt thou not come with me; the 
wild gazelle with its silvery feet, I'll give thee for a playmate sweet." 

Bobbin. " I don't want a gazelle ; I want to go home. Take me 
to my mother." 

Miss Tort. •' I will take you to my home, poor persecuted one. 
Come down to my house and we will talk it over." {Takes him by 
the elbow and starts with him.) " And what's your name, my pretty 
one.^" {chucJcing him imder the chin.) 

Bobbin. " Bobbin." 

Miss Tort. " Wliat a beautiful name. Come along, dear 
Bobbin." 

Bobbin. " What is coming next. Punched on the head by one 
woman, called a murderer by a second, and dear Bobbin by a third. 
What will Mrs. Bobbin say? Come on, old gal, let's go down to 
the house." 

* Bobbin's surprise increasing witli each new epithet. 



10 



SCENE iir. 
Michigan avenue — street scene — sliips and shipping — elevators, etc. 

{Enter Miss Cntcmoell, 3Iiss Stunner, e., attired in extravagant 
fashion — short skirts. 

Miss Cutaswell. " Oh ! I am so glad to get out of that dreadful 
court room. Mamma wants me to become a lawyer, but I wont do 
it. I'll let her know I've got a mind of my own." 

Miss Stunner. " Isn't it awful to have to sit on a jury Avhere a 
poor woman can't say a word^!" , 

{Enter 3Iiss Eli/away and Miss Croesus, l.) 

Miss F. "How are you, gals? How do you feel this morning?" 

Miss Cut. " Gay as a lark." 

Miss Croesus. "I'm just dying for a dance." 

Miss St. "So am I."' 

Miss Fl. " Pile in, then." 

( Grotesque can-can for four.) 

SCENE lY. 
Interior of boarcling house— a handsomely furnished apartment. 



y PIANO. 't- 
T:a«:;.>c>«;>c>«:."i< 



•f(..x-x.:xj:.'<:zx::^ 
){ SOFA. X 



\ TABLE. V 



)f:::Hr.x-H;.^ 

i X 

V BOOK j^ 
X CASE. X 

i. X 



in 



{Mr. Bobbin discovered seated on a sofa reading a paper — 
reads : 

" ' The Female Association for the Amelioration of Men on 
Wabash avenue, will meet this evening at 7: SO, sharp.' I'm 



11 

getting tired of this kind of thing. They don't give a man any 
kind of a show now-a-days." 

{Enter 3Iiss Tort.) 

Miss T. " Good evening, William." 

BoBBix. " Good evening, Miss Tort." 

Miss T. " Oh, why will you be so formal? Call me Araminta." 

Bobbin. " I was not aware, Miss Tort, that so great a liberty 
would be allowable upon so short an acquaintance." 

Miss T. [Advancing before him and talcing a pinch of smiff.) 
" Sir ! " 

Bobbin. ( Wilting a little.) " No oftence, Araminta." 

Miss T. "You vnll call me Araminta, then?" 

Bobbin. " Yes ! I'll call — (aside) wonder how much I can go 
better." 

Miss T. " Oh, William ! The moment that I placed my eyes 
upon you I felt a sudden passion for you. Tell me that I am not 
altogether hideous in your eyes." 

Bobbin. ( JVith expressive bashful 2)a7itomimei'y.) " Hideous ! 
No ! Never ! Thou art as beautiful as an opening rosebud. {Aside) 
How is that for high ? " 

Miss T. " Then you will bid me hope {groioing bolder, sitting 
beside hi7)i and seizing his hand.") 

BoBBi?^. ( Whistles softly a measure of Shoo-Fly.) " Have pity 
on my tender youth — I am but a poor frail thing — I am ower young 
to marry yet — don't press me — give me time to think of this. 
This sudden declaration has quite overcome me. Excuse these 
tears." 

Miss T. " Time ! what is time ? Love knows no credit. Its 
bills mature on the instant." 

Bobbin. {Trying to get his hand away iti vain.) "I cannot 
tell you now — I must see my mother. Young woman, do not carry 
this matter too far. Remember I am alone here and have no pro- 
tector. {She makes an advance toioards him and he gets up on 
the arm of the sofa.) Should my mother give her consent, I may 
bid you hope." 

Miss T. "Talk not to me of mothers. What is a mother to my 
love for thee ? " 

Bobbin. " Young woman, don't speak disparagingly of mothers, 
Where would you have been without a mother ? Where would I 
have been ? " 

Miss T. I know the weakness of your sex. Y^'ou are a man, and 



12 

I pity you. But time flies. Once more, William, {thro^oing herself 
upon her knees before him) I offer you my heart and hand. [Bobbin 
sits coldly, tohistling to himself.) Don't reject! Pause before you 
reply." 

Bobbin. "I pause." [Orchestra— few bars tremolando.) 
Miss T. "Well, sir, have you come to a decision?" 
Bobbin. "Young woman by the name of Araminta, I must have 
more time, and in the meantime I refer you to my mother. 

Miss T. {Rising, in a toxoering rage, and pacing the floor) 
''Spurned by a man! ray suit rejected! Cease, fond heart, and 
you. ye sinews, grow not instant old but bear me stifily up." [Takes 
out her snuff-box and is about to throve its contents in his face) 
" If you will not have me with your eyes open, then go it blind. 
No ! No ! I will not, [takes a 2^i^^ch from the box) opens the door 
and screams — mother ! mother ! " 

[Enter mother \the Court^ in night-cap and robe de mcit, loith 
candle in her hand.) 

Court. " What is't that ails thee, Araminta? " 
Miss T. •' I am rejected by yonder man." 
Court, [approaching Bobbins) " Ho ! ho ! jthe prisoner ! " 
Bobbin. " Ha 1 ha ! the Court ! How's the baby V 
Court. " Unthinking wretch ! Thou sportest on the edge of a 
precipice. Your day of trial comes," 
Bobbin. " Good for sixty days." 

Miss T. [Screams.) "What is't that unnerves me? Oh, love, I 
faint, 1 swoo-oo-oon [jmn^ys, atid is caught by the Court who stands 
fanning her. Bobbin attempts to get out of the xoindow — sash 
comes down and catches him halfioay, leaving him kicking. Ara- 
minta noio and then kicking spasmodically, tohile Court solem)dy 
pronounces) : 

" Cliild, if it were tliine error or thy crime 

I care no longer, being all \iiiblest, 
Wed whom thou wilt, bvit I am sick of time, 

And I desire to rest." 

SCEXE. V 

Exterior of boarding-house — Xame on door, " Sally Hopkins, Boarding" — 
window over door, with lattice — other houses on each side, with miscellaneous 
signs, all boarding — street named Wabash avenne. 

[Enter 3Ilss Sappho, with guitar.) 

Miss S. '' If I mistake not, this is the house I saw him enter. 
I will touch my guitar and waken him from his slumbers." 



13 

{^Touches a prelude. Lattice opens and Bohhin appears with his 
hoots in his hands, about to throio them at the serenader.) 

BoBiux. "Whoa! that is another one. Go in, beauty." 

{Miss tSappho sings serenade, JBohbin leaning upon the loindoio 
sill, a la Jaliet. At the end of first verse) — 

Bobbin. " Thou knowest the mask of night is on my face, else 
would a maiden blush bepaint ray cheek." 

( When Sappho finishes) — 

Bobbin. " Fly, fly for tliy life, my mother wakes — she comes, 
she comes." 

{Araminta appears, Jerks Bobbin away from the windoio, and 
commences to throw the boots at Saj^pho, toho runs aioay.) 

SCENE YI. 
Same as Scene IT. 

(Positions as in Scene II.) 

Clerk. " Oyez, oyez, oyez, the Honorable Mrs. Tort's Court is 
now in session pursuant to adjournment. Hats off in the Court. 
{Hats and bonnets removed.) 

Counsel. "I move your Honor, that we now proceed with the 
trial of the man Bobbin, charged with being out late, lying, forgery, 
seduction, burglary, and the murder of the late Miss Jones." 

CouKT. "The trial will proceed. Miss Clerk, will you pass me 
up five or six of those books. Don't be particular, any of them 
will do. The Honorable Mrs. Counsel will now sum up the case." 

Counsel. {Fan in hand.) " Your Honor and ladies of the Jury : 
Standing as I do upon the verge of the twentieth century, T should 
be untrue to the traditions of our sex, which has done so much 
for the world if I did not say that I am overcome with the appalling 
responsibilities of my position, and the tremendous depths of 
degradation to which yonder miserable wretch who stands there 
without a blush has descended {iises her smelling-bottle.) Natura 
abhorret vacuum. 

" What does Livermore say.^ {takes up a volume.) 

{To the Court.) "Page 56. Livermore says: 'Man is the 
quintessence of atrabiliousness and defunct realism. He sums up 
in his corporeal and spiritual organization all the vices to which 
flesh is heir, with several towns to hear from. Cajoling himself 
with the delusive snare of worldly monarchism, he rides a lofty 
steed, and cuts it fat. He indulges in the light fantastic upon 
the crater of the female volcano which will one day engulf him. 



1^ 

Woman lies prone in the dust, and man strides over her prostrate 
form, shaking the empyrean. Shackled with the galling fetters of 
the predestinated ignorance of an overbearing monstrosity, her 
cries pierce the sublunary vaults and wake the empty echoes of 
the overspreading chaos. You may expel nature with a pitch- 
fork but she will come back again. The day will come — I trust 
the jury will mark these words of the late Chief Justice — {one 
or tioo of the jury asleep) — the day w^ill come when woman will 
burst her sh;ickles with a terrific loss of life, will ris3 triumphant, 
and brandishing the fetters ii^ her red right hand will soar from 
Maine to Oregon and from Lake Superior to the Gulf of Mexico, 
rying as she soiri?, mene, mene, tekel, upharsin. Then shall the 
Nebuchadnezzars of forty centuries go out on all fours and eat 
grass, and woman mount the lofty steed and cut all the fat herself.' 

"This is what that great foreseeing champion of woman's rights 
proclaimed. And I ask you, fellow-women of the jury, looking 
upon that ill-favored scoundrel, was she not right ? 

"Again — 

(Miss Clerk, will you have the kindness to pass me Stanton on 
Divorce.^) 

"What does Mrs. Stanton say.'* — I trust the jury regard me — 
{two more asleep)) 

"Mrs. Stanton says : 'It is no mean part of the female protaplasm 
that every deviation from a phenomenal course of conduct, with 
our present light, exposes the infractor to the concurrent force of cir- 
cumstances, or, in the language of law, the res gestm, without which 
there cannot be a scintilla of evidence in categorical questions. 
No woman can, therefore, expose herself anew to the bare sus- 
picion of such a precipitate without a moral and physical shudder. 
To escape the dilemma of such a catastrophe, which has often 
been observed in sewing circles, ladies' aid meetings, and other 
cheerful forms of feminine gregariousness, I hold that that woman 
is deaf to the calls of philanthropy and foreign missionary labor 
who refuses to be as much married as possible, — Teen dapa 
meihnenoos prosephe Jcrione Brighara lo?«?</.' 

"To what are we led by this state of things, or, in the language 
of that eminent and learned barrator, Dickinson, " whither drift 
we.?' 

"Again, she says : {turning to another part of the volume.) ' The 
most narrow-minded of the opposite sex has always admitted that 
woman is the summum bonum, the Ultima Thule^ I may even say, 



15 

the cui bono of the cosmos. Viewing the microcosm thus, if this 
be so, and that be so, then the otlier must be, also. Therefoi-e it 
was that nature so constructed her as to be superior to every ac- 
cident of time, and never to go back upon any marital contingency. 
If complete affiliation, therefore, be incompatible with the eternal 
fitness of things, and the diametrical opposition of antagonistic 
forces, she must claim the right of coagulation with any and all 
who may have the temerity to enter into new and untried combi- 
nations, and send the husband, pro tern, out into the wet with his 
carpet bag to seek new fields and pastures green. Ain't it.^ ' 

"The jury will find more to this effect after they have decided 
upon the guilt of this diabolical incendiary and butcher. But I 
see the jury is weary. {All the jury aslee}).) I beg they will have 
patience a little longer. 

"Shielding ourselves, therefore, under the protecting oegis of this 
bulwark of our palladium, what do we find.'' 

"We find that this perjured miscreant has deliberately lied upon 
the public highway in informing this policewoman, whom I know 
to be one of the most fiiithful of the corporation's servants, that he 
had just been sent out to bring home some washing. His plea is 
growing altogether too common, and I trust your Honor will make an 
example of him. Exemplmn est commendabilis. 

"Again: We find that he has ruined a confiding and innocent 
maiden by the name of Maude ; I know not who she may be, but I am 
a mother and can feel for her {uses her handJcerchief). This Court, 
too has a daughter who has felt the withering blight of this man's in- 
gratitude {Court and Miss Tort weep). She, too, has felt how 
sharper than a thankless tooth it is to have a serpent's child. 

" We find, again, that he has ruthlessly and without provocation, 
slain a young maiden in one of our most public places of refreshment, 
and now he comes into this august presence with the blood of the 
victim upon his hands, {Bobbin looks at his hands) and with the 
brand of Cain upon his brow, {Bobbin feels of his. broio, and in 
doing so leaves a tohite mark.) I cannot draw the harrowing pic- 
ture of this tender flower plucked untimely from its stalk. Pallida 
mors o'.quo pidsat pede. Nor of the agony which must have rent 
the bosom of that unfortunate girl, the late lamented Jones. Hie 
jacet. And with all the weight of that heinous atrocity resting upon 
his conscience, fresh from imbruing his hands in the blood of a help- 
less female, he stands against a lamp-post indulging in the perusal of 
the sia;n of a wet nurse. Nero could fiddle while Rome was burning, 



16 

but Nero was an angel of goodness compared with Bobbin. I appeal 
to tins intelligent jury, what punishment shall adequately compensate 
for the malefactions of this villain double-dyed? I leave it to your 
valedictory vengeance. I feel safe in leaving the case in your 
hands." 

Court. " Miss Clerk, will you please wake up the jury.?" 

{Clerk arouses them.) 

Court. " The prisoner at the bar will look at this Court. What 
is your name, sir.^ " 

Bobbin " William Bobbin." 

Court. " How old are you ? " 

Bobbin. " Twenty-nine." 

Court. " In consideration of your tender age, I am disposed to 
be light in my punishment, although the category of your crimes 
calls for condign vengeance. The Court, therefore, sentences you to 
ten years of hard labor in scrubbing the public buildings, five years 
of solita'-y confinement in the House for Erring Men, and that, at the 
expiration of that time you be taken out and hanged by the neck 
until you are dead." 

Bor.BiN. " Couldn't I be hanged first, I'm not a success as a 
scrubbist." 

Court. "Silence, sir. The jury will now rise (to the foreman) 
Mrs. Foreman has the jury decided upon a verdict.^" 

Foreman. "We have." 

Court. "Is the prisoner at the bar guilty or not guilty .^" 

Foreman. " Guilty." 

Court. " As I supposed." 

Miss Tort, {advancing in front of Bobbin.) "Love knows no 
credit, its bills mature upon the instant. You had better ])repare 
to square up, {aj^pealing to Heaven) Just Heaven, I thank thee." 

Court. " Policewoman, remove the prisoner." 

Bobbin. " I want to go home." 

Police. " You are going." 

{Exeunt onines^) 



IT 



SCENE VII. 

Last sceae transforms into first, which is precisely the same, except that it is 
morninfi. 

{Bobbiii, rousing himself from sleep, still muttering '•'■ I want to 
go horned Mrs. Bobbin seated at table., reading a paper. ^ 

Mrs. B. " Well, you are at home." 

Me. B. "Why, Mrs. Bobbin, you haven't grown old any." 

Mrs. B. "Groan! I've done nothing but groan. Now that you 
are sober, sir. I hope that yoii will keep so." 

Mr. B. '• My dear Mrs. Bobbin, it must have been a horrible 
dream. I've been projected into space a hundred years. I've seen 
what's coming. Behold in me a reformed man. Henceforth I am 
your adorable William, and ever promise to love, cherish and 
obey." 

{Both kneel, facing each other ^ and embrace.) 

Imp. {Coming up through trap near them, lays his hand on 
their heads and says:) " Bless you, my children, bless you." 

Bobbin. {Looking in astonishment at him.) 

Imp. {As he descends) " The Devil is at the bottom of it all." 

Mrs. B. '' Reformed ! Oh joyful tidings, call in the neighbors. 
Let's ' Carry the news to Mary.' " 

{Enter all., in ordinary dress.) 

Specialty. •' Carry the news to Mary." 

( Curtain falls.) 



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